As I lay there ..

She sits there looking inside my Virgina taking photos as the speclem moves inside whilst the other took the swabs and everything that was said and told to me was forgotten .

The physical and emotional pain was too much to handle as I just separated from my own body as the photos continued.

I lay there with a paper gown on glimpsing sideways at my clothes balanced on the chair , and then I am asked to step down from the trolley.

I was then photographed side to side then front to back, standing there felling so numb as I heard his voice in my head telling me if you tell someone or ask for help I will drag you down more so …..

He said I will make sure you never see your fucking idiots again…..

Afraid to talk I didn’t ask for help straight away but yet life was getting more dangerous and yet I stuck with it….

Until it became too dangerous and I new I had to.

Within the 17 months of torment while waiting for the trial he had completed every word threat and action…

Yet I just had to watch it all happen+ a hell of a lot more… By then he had got away with everything within our legal system twisting an entire case…

His last words were he would take charge as a positive as only he could…..

This unfortunately was for the worst as he isolated the two boys who were isolated from friendships and my middle son re fled 2016 as I had already taken them in to safety in 2011.

We were then failed and family courts were playing games with families big time…

Judges failed to realise how the dynamics change when Domestic violence is going on and fail regularly

Leaving many a family in more danger than ever !

My son had to start making friends at the age of 18 after having them all striped by an idiotic social worker who placed them in to the hands of the perpetrator.

Isolation from all peirs apart from school. A life rife with humiliation intimidation and isolation.

Using all three boys as tools against me and against their brother.

Mean while who will isolated for 8 years as the last time he had a friend over was the age of 10 and a half i.e When he was with me but….

The numbness is so strong not as much as a year rolls down my face.


What next

I sat there staring into the distance completely lost not knowing where to turn to as the pain got stronger…

tears rolling down my face wondering what was going to be next..

Slowly l got up and showered scrubbing myself down as I felt so dirty even though it was the the man who shared my bed for the last 17 yrs but yet he was like a complete stranger standing in the place of what I think was once a loved one.

quietly keeping a dark secret and one that I had to hold on to for years until it got too dangerous

Then I new I had to speak out or end up in a brown box. So slowly I picked up the courage and took myself off to the Havens Paddington.

I lay there with an empty heart and a body which had died many years before, as she did the international examination.

My eyes drifted up to the ceiling and mind had gone else where. My body didn’t feel like mine by the end of it.

Then I looked over at my clothes balanced on the chair beside me wishing I was anywhere but where I was.

As it slowly came to an end I was able to sit up whilst the paper suit krinkled around me.

Soon after I had to open various parts of my gown at a time as I showed parts of my body whilst photos where taken for evidence by this time I felt displaced from my body as I was no longer me….

I was just a corps with skin on I felt completely dead. So much so that I could have walked straight into the Thames..

But that is what he would have wanted so instead … I found the energy to survive.

Not eating or sleeping for weeks, I a helpless being Bagan to back away from society not knowing who what or where I could trust as I had been faild by all….

I was left having to self catheterize left trying to explain to people that it was due to the fact he had had rough sex the night before.

Now I know It was Rape and yet I still find it hard even after all this time as I remember that cold harshles face looking down at me as I lay there helpless as his strength overpowered me

The listing ear

Here we are just over two years of my middle sons freedom from abuse …. or rather it should be .

As for friendships he has struggled , as he finds it hard to explain his emotions as like I in the early days but also won’t turn to any external agencies for help as he was failed by all.

Being a mum has been painfully difficult as all I am doing is waiting for the next down spiral slip down would of an emotional painful drop …

Sometimes so much so as he wants to disappear … well this is in his own words and the deep meaningful painfulness is the thought of wanting to kill himself one moment and yet an other moment say to myself he would rather deal with the Devil himself than to deal with what he had to with social services and his Father.

The days are rather slow as I try to act and do things on his terms to give him a little control of his own life as he has had none prior to the last couple of years as he had the yearscof 15 to 18 taken from him along with the one special friendship…..! Due to Father and social services taking it away then being completely isolated.

Through this period of time he felt completely alone and drawn to google chat lines and many conversations with really sick people although I never asked what these conversations were about but what I do know is that the kindle I had brought him didn’t open videos sent…Thank goodness but my heart cried out when my 6ft 3 friendly giant asked me if he would go to hell for what he has done..

They say if you listen to the small conversations it will be followed by the larger ones….. Oh boy they cant get much bigger.

My love for my three boy’s is unconditional and when they heart I to do but unfortunately their father new this as he goes on and on hurting them emotionally along with horrendous coercive abuse.

I as a mum cry deep down as I think of hurdles we have jumped over the last couple of years and how something that shouldn’t have even opened got opened as he cried out for his grandfather……. I don’t know how or how but definitely not grandfather………

Music in the park…..!

As a friend and I had gone out to a very well known garden along the A3 in southwest London ! I was trying to enjoy the pleasures of the gorgeous weather and the exotic plants and yet deep down I couldn’t as I was constantly getting text messages from my husband asking where I was, what time I was going to be back then followed by “I will be home early tonight…..! ”      This was to get me panicking so that everything would be immaculate by the time he would be back otherwise the boys/girls would be forced to go to bed with no tea inspite of me not having not achieved everything in one day even if I had.

Any way knowing that my head would be against the wall that night if I told him the truth as he hated the fact I was going to see friends and yet at that time I wanted my friend’s as like any normal person I wanted to be able to have fun! 

I so tried to have fun that day as it was the one day that the children were all doing something after school so in theory I should have had a fabulous time and yet although it was really pretty i couldn’t relax as I was at all as my phone went on and on and on as my mate just turned round and said “OMG!” In a broad irish accent and we just looked at each other and continued the day. 

He then started ringing and wouldn’t stop so once I told him I was just round the shops and that I will ring him when I’m back knowing that he was in an horrendous mood, yet still the phone calls carried on!!  By this stage I had put it on silence as he was getting too aggressive through out but of course I couldn’t enjoy the day I I was afraid what awaited me that evening …..!

We can all beat ourselves up over things and wish we had done things differently but at the end of the day what if he had abused the system all those years ago as I wouldn’t have had those two boys/girls as he abused an entire legal system for all these years, so im glad I stayed many years later as he would have held his threats and taken them then when they were much younger!! Hint why I stayed so long with him but knowing if I’d stay any longer I would have left in a wooden box. 

I pray each night for my childs safety that I don’t see and hope that God is beside him all the way but hurt badly deep down knowing that the abuse is still going on all these years later.  

You slowly eat me away…..!

Even though you are No longer here I still find my self doing things that was drummed in to me such as filling up the dishwasher and the cleanliness of the house as I still have the fear that your going to shout at me and tell me I’ve done it wtong! Sometimes I panic so much that when I have guests over I find myself tidying up before people have gone in fear of you taking it out on me when you bet home from work ….but I know deep down that your not coming back as I left you over 6 yrs ago and yet I see you every night in my nightmare as I look at this cold calis face staring down at me night in and out. 

As I lay there I smell your aftershave even though these days I have forgotten what make you wear and yet I hear those words time after time as you threatened me with loosing my children if I was to talk out and reveal what was going on behind closed doors and when you told me that if I was to bring you down ….! You will bring me down further……!!

The day I finally spoke out and you were charged  You did what you set out to do ….and you abused everyone and everything I had to live with the fact that both my children were with you ….THE PERPOTRATER …..! I ended up having to talk to someone who was just as NARCISSISTIC and now have to live with the fact that the family court said it didnt happen and yet the mental abuse is still going on as you knowing that if you hurt my child …..You will hurt me as I know it was never for the love of your children it was because of what you were charged for when you hurt me.

Each day my pain is internal and it eats me up as I see the sadness with in your child as he knows that his friends never ring anymore as when he/she lived with you …. you always put a hurdle in the way so that he/she wasn’t able to go out at all. You would isolate completely  after you made sure that I had broken the only true friend our son/daughter ever had…..! 

You made that beeeeeeeb of a social worker brake the one true friend ever made and I live with the fact that I made that phone call and watch his /her broken heart as the friend no longer wants to attempt to renew that friendship in fear of being hurt again….. so yep bullying tactics work don’t they as I try to put right yours and the courts failings. 

I see the pain of our teens when you try and tear then from each other and yes it eats me up night and day just as when I see the heart ache of their great grandma who lives each day in hope to see her great grandchild knowing that between the stroke and the tumour ! She knows deep down that she will not see him/her again and yes it eats me up night and day.

it was the day of the unlawful removal that their great grandma had the first mini stroke but I blame myself for that too as it was after I sat at that carpark outside the school earlier than usual as my son /daughter was on a geography field trip and I waited for two hrs ……..!!! 

I thought the coach had crashed but didn’t want to go into the school as my son/ daughter was fed up of being undermined by everyone at school and wanted to show that he/she was as self sufficient as pos…. so I waited and waited and waited . By this time I was so frightened then suddenly I get a phone call saying dont bother picking them up as we have them ……! The social services did not have an EPO and wasnt under police protection and yet I didn’t know where two of my children were for 4 days. When the youngest is safe and free I will name and shame the social wprker who helped a hospital manager whilst charged by CPS. (Abuse of position, legal aid, public sector and entire legal system….) The psychopath worked his charm acting as cool as a cucumber and could have won an Oscar for his performance along with the judge as she played with lives as the new law came out for rights for fathers…….!

I will never forget the pain you have and are still putting each one of them through even with out me in the picture  you put our children through so much pain and have broken us all…… But yet I try to pick an entire legal systems failings along with other failings of professionals who were supposed to help not hinder… So lol as I get told by a judge and a doc it didn’t happen . The judge said I had gone out of my wat to override her judgment. 

 A doc who worked with my ex as I shouldn’t have yad to spoke to ….! A solicitor that gave out details in the court bundle a gp that spoke to a frien about the trial and it came back to me and through out all this it was historic ! We were married and he was CHARGED……!! The CPS do t charge for nothing so inbetween times I stick two fingers up at you all as WE WERE FAILD BY EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU…..!

So please dont look me in the eye and tell me I am making it up and nothing happened. 

Perhaps if the ball was I  the other court and it had of been your head up against the wall with a fist next to it perhaps you would like it if said NAAAAAA it didn’t happen………! So just remember before you judge me in the future you to are going to be judged but not by me but by GOD as he knows each one of your power trips ….. Yep each and every one of you will get your comeuppance and I will just walk away as I have lived my  living  hell just as our boy’s/girls have done through out all of this hell you are still putting them through . I’m sorry but its here where I rest my case and well one and all KARMA is a fine thing and so sorry if it involves you …

The moto is beyind all of this is before you say Naaaa it didn’t happen just look at the damage it coursed all of us each and everyone. All though these days the wheels are turnig and you are getting older and weaker but your so son/daughters are getting stronger and professionals I give you a tap on the back as each one of you helped place our children with the PERPOTRATOR !!!!!! Congratulations one and all but I will pick up each and every failing but I sit here with pain as I think about your comeuppance if not in this world then the next .. I will prey for you as you pay for your power trips . 

NIGHT GOD BLESS for now and don’t worry as I will pick up your failings……..!